So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize