I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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