she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
