I wish I could teleport
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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