You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
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