I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
