I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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