I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Soap is not a condiment
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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