Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
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