I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Randomize
