Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
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