I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Randomize
