I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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