So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
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