Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Randomize
