mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
