Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
