Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Randomize
