the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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