Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Drunk is not a location!
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Randomize
