im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
