My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Randomize
