you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Randomize
