I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
