Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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