this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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