Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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