I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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