I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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