she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
