Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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