"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
