omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
