if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
soo... how was my night?
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
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