He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
