Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize