my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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