why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
