I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
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