All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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