Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Randomize
