My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Randomize
