The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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