Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
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