youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
