I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Sorry about my life...
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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