Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Randomize