I puked a lego.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
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