Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Randomize
