I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
