I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
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