how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
