it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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