my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Randomize
