the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
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