Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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