I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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