i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
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