My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
