I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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