I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
