Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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