fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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