I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
